so i didn't even know today was the 22nd.

i wish i could get more creative with my blog titles. i feel like all my creativity has locked itself up -- and i can't find the key until i find myself.

i don't treasure every day like i used to.

every period now just seems like a period where you should pay attention, get some sleep somehow, and do next period's homework and review and try to maintain some sort of social interaction before the bell rings.

ah, that bell.

it's so much more this year. it's the end of a major test that could impact your freaking future. it's the end of a class where you actually listening to the teacher talk about traumas and dramas and north carolina football teams. it's when "pencils are down" and your essay is now going to the filter. it's that 5 minute transition period between "omgod cram study" and "omgod crap."

and yet, it seems like -- even if i prepare or not, it's always gonna be like this.

junior year is so much different from sophomore year. and freshman year. and it's not even the way i perceive it. i've been trying to see junior year as a time where i can truly wake up and show everyone what i've got.

and is that not enough?

studied forever on the biology test and still didn't change my grade.
i work so much for that one little itty bitty point, trying to cover up mistakes from the past, but for some strange reason, they sit there -- as blatant and deliberate as they were that one moment when you received them.

that big red mark.

the mark of failure.

and it's not just an f,

sometimes it's just "not good enough."

"weak thesis."

"you've done better."

and do I not get a sick day?

even when i'm sick, the work overwhelms me.

today was absolutely horrible. it started off great. i had a good breakfast, prepared a filling lunch, and paid attention in chemistry. but suddenly, you doze off once and everything starts to fall apart. calculus bombards you with words, you forget the most obvious details in APUS, and in biology -- that test you thought was easy? you bombed it.

and then you try to get something good managed. compliments feel really nice now. especially on a day like this one. i appreciate anyone's smile, anyone's wave, anyone's enthusiasm and especially certain people's pats-on-the-back, whether verbal or physical.

it's those small things that keep me sane now. getting an e-mail from a tired teacher who says you made her smile -- and that was an accomplishment for her. getting an e-mail saying that not all is lost with your secret hobby, and that you can still do it if you want. being told that you're a "good guy" and that your efforts are truly appreciated. support from a friend, help from a friend, a chance to really talk to one of your close friends that you no longer feel so close to even though you sit by her every single day. being able to help someone and not feel helpless in an IB class. having a forté. someone there to listen to your rant. someone there saying that hey, your SAT score is probably great. someone reading this blog -- and commenting. sharing their thoughts -- relating themselves with you. my SAT score comes tomorrow and i honestly hope to God it's something that i can either shut up about, or something i can scream to the entire world: "PROVED YOU WRONG."

i feel like i've gone off-tangent with this blog entry, but it's all my thoughts spilled on to a canvas.

now someone tell my thalamus to shut off, because i want to go to sleep.

oh nevermind, i've gotta study all the parts of the brain, neural communication, calculus -- optimization, do limiting reactants problems, figure out something for reflections, and try to maintain some ounce of sanity?

thalamus, you've got a ways to go.

- gary

p.s. the original title used to be october 21, 2008. then i realized that i'm a day behind, because my mind's a day behind.