Thunderstorms, rainclouds, and a bit of a rainbow. [2008 in review]
1/1/08:
So I had this not so amazingly written year review that I was trying to cram-write and have photos and have all this good stuff in with 30 minutes just to write.
And now that it's 2009, and all the pressure's gone, I think I can write something nice. So.. I guess in a way, I wasn't ready for this year to end. Not yet.
But since it is over, I do have to write some things out. What 2008 meant to me I guess.
I think 2008 was a year.. of learning. I was bound to make it my year of success (with my motto: Taking the year by storm!) and I guess, I did find success -- just not all the time and not in all the places that I was looking for. And yeah, I failed, like every normal human being, but with that failure, it was sort of like a success. Heh. Well, regardless, in the end -- I learned from pretty much everything. Every decision. Every mistake. Every regret.
Before I wanted to post my "first end-of-year post," I read through all 128 blog posts that I made this year.. well, last year now. I also went through all 737 of my facebook pictures that were tagged of me from the year of the 8. I looked at my note from 2007, went through my goals, and .. well, I really should have done it hours before 11, but I will learn from that mistake. The most important thing I did was read the 128 blog posts that reflected those 366 days of the year. I almost had half. Almost, but not quite. I realized a lot of .. trends.. in these posts. Lots of trends that I had learned.
And that's what I'll be sharing today. Some are sad, some are glad.. and some are just downright weird. But I hope you'll appreciate them, because I sort of see them as the little grains of sand that made the hourglass of 2008. The one that I wanted to turn soo quickly, the one I wanted to rush through and hurry up with, but you can't bend time.
So let's start these trends and I'm sure I'll go "off-track" with some other style of writing.. it's spontaneous I guess?
ONE. Friends. I have learned a LOT about friends this year. I think this year was one of those.. landmark years in terms of friendships, and relationships and all of that. I feel like I had this one best friend who I would go to for everything, but unfortunately .. we quickly drifted apart. Really quickly. And I guess it turned into conflict and annoyance when I would ask him why we were drifting.. but maybe he just saw the situation much differently. I honestly hope that 2009 provides us an opportunity to repair the close friendship we had. Cause I felt that it was a close one, anyway. I remember posting about disconnection, and the value of closeness with friends. I was determined this year, to search for a best friend -- one person that people would associate me with, and someone that would be associated with me. It sort of seemed like a contestant -- Gary's Search for a BFFL -- and as awful as that sounded, its what my blog posts seemed to say. Unfortunately, Paris Hilton even had a show for this. I guess that's how low I went. But I learned that -- there isn't a perfect best friend. And no matter how hard I try to find this.. "image" of a person that I built in my head, there isn't that kind of person. And if there is, I might not have found him or her yet. Or maybe I have, and I just haven't realized it. And that I already have many best friends that I.. appreciate SO so much. If this was a facebook note, which I think it will be, you guys would be at the top. The very top. The tippy tippy top. I think you get the point.
But this isn't supposed to start off so .. emo. I made a lot of new friends this year, one especially who has quickly become one of my closest friends. The thing about this year is that.. I felt so content with my "circle of friends" that I guess I wasn't as spirited to meet everyone. I eventually did, and I'm really glad I've met all these new kiddos in the freshman class. I am truly looking forward to bonding with them this upcoming year, as I managed time poorly the majority of my junior year (that's coming up later, haha). And my old friends -- well, junior year started this period of like.. distance from everyone. And I don't know if it was just me or if it was just .. the hardships and the stress of junior year, but I think a lot of us got a bit disconnected. But I think we're all back to good hearted love and stuff like that. Cheesy goodness. Man.
Another thing -- this year.. for the most part, I've been on the "good track" with people. Moreso than others I think. I "remade" a lot of friendships this year, as in .. people that weren't too fond of me became my friends or people that I was distanced from last year like.. we became close like we used to be once again. And I think it's a good mutual respect now, and I'm glad. I'm really content with how junior year seating charts have been. And schedules. I like see some of the same people every class, and it's great. And I really like seating charts this year. Or in general. I think we should have them in every class (just not the same style), because they really let you get familiar with the people by you. I have to say, three of my most favorite seating charts this year have to be CHEMISTRY, CALCULUS, and BIOLOGY. As much as I hate seating charts, they really are an opportunity to meeting a new person. Or re-meeting, in a way. Yeah. Re-meeting is a good way of putting it. And as I sulk into going to these classes, I at least know that there's someone sitting closeby with me who will listen and laugh to the joke, or "fail alongside" with me. And I feel like I have more friends in the IB program this year than I did before. Maybe the class of '10 is reuniting ... back like the olden days of freshie year. *flashback* lol.
I do have to say that I have lost friends this year, unfortunately. But when I mean "losing friends," I don't mean like -- a conflict has turned the two of us against each other and we'll never speak again for the rest of our lives because we hate our living putrid guts. I meant more like.. I lost the connection with a lot of people this year. I blame myself for not putting the effort in this year (or maybe in some cases.. too much?), but I'm really hoping I can mend those disconnections this year. My friends that I know through forensic competition and YIG and all those activities, the friends that I don't typically see all the time, I guess I just saw them less this year. If not, I didn't really have a chance to talk to them. If you're reading, I want to talk to you! Let's go back to freshman year.. where everything was filled of smiles and waves.
Unfortunately, we can't do that. Buuut we can learn from our mistakes -- and I'm definitely learning from mine.
TWO. School. The worst part about "year end" reviews is that it's split between two school years. I usually do an end-of-school year review anyway, but I guess I can recap a bit of everything from the "second half" of sophomore year and the "first half" of junior year.
Sophomore year was filled of easy classes and lots of relaxation. Definitely different from what junior year was. I do think that we (as a class) made it harder for ourselves than it should've been, but we all learned from it. Stats was an.. interesting (and sleepy) way to start the day, but it was great seeing friends even though the tables represented mini-cliques. Which I didn't like, but can't have 'em all. Sophomore year also started the creation of this twisted sleep cycle that I had.. that only got worse in junior year. I asked my mom today what time I used to sleep freshman year and she was like 11pm, midnight at the latest. I know sophomore year was usually.. midnight, 1am at the latest. (and it started becoming 2-3 am during compsci nights!) And well, junior year transformed it to 2am being the standard. Damn.
Okay, back to sophomore year? Haha. French III was probably one the most interesting classes ever. And by interesting, I mean the boring interesting because Madame Wall was just so.. personality-less. Except when she wanted to "get ghetto" with us. Hahaha. Oh good times. More like awkward ones and silent ones, but still. Then we had Pre-Calculus and I have to say that was one of my favorite classes cause all we would do is talk. About forensics, about life, about how bad Mr. Howard was at teaching. It was just such an easy, relaxing class, and I loved sitting with Paavan, Judy and Reina. Great stuff. After pre-cal, we had.. first lunch! Which was pretty nice, it was great. Enjoyed it a lot. Lots of things changed with our "seatings" though, but oh well.
Chemistry was just like.. a sleep class for me, and Mrs. Shoun hated me for it, but I think she likes me now, so it's all okay? haha. It was a fun class and I was glad it was long cause I got to spend time with friends. Ahh, recounting these classes.. they seem so far ago. Lol. I almost said 5th period was APUS. It isn't. It was.. wow. I'm seriously drawing a blank here. Think think. Ah, English. Great period. Loved Ms. Thompson (who is pregnant now. wow, what happens to a year..) and her class, her teaching style, and the people in it. Our MacBeth skit for the win. haha.
Then government/economics with the Paddy. I have to say, I really miss this class now that I'm a junior. I miss Mr. Paddenburg as a teacher, and I really enjoyed this class (err, these classes). Government final was a horrible thing (woo 67 or whatever I got) but economics was great. The budget project ended up being a success on my part since I got to have fun with my sister.. it was great. Speaking of her, she'll probably be in this a bit more. Anyways. Economics was a great class. Don't remember anything from it aside from the Law of Diminishing Returns, but there were some good times in that class. It's all going on Facebook. And we end up with -- not French -- with .. dang. I'm drawing a blank again. OH. Compsci. The class of despair and misery and failure and all that. Yeah, no comment, that class reeked. It was nice hanging out with certain people in that class though and just like laughing it all off on how much we failed and how much Rogers never cared. Good times.
I could go along and talk about extracurrics but I don't feel like they really complement what I'm trying to go for. The theme of evolution! Because now we move on to the dangerous and treacherous..
Junior year. Oh man. I cannot believe I was like, excited. But then again, I guess the first day of school was just a good foreshadowing of what was to come. Awwwwkwardness. And conflict, and discontent. Basically, junior year has gotten me tired, and sick, and I'm not too fond of it right now. But I know that all the hard work and effort I'm putting in right now will pay off somehow. I'm really fond of most of my classes. I like chemistry a lot this year, I LOVE psychology, English is.. do-able I guess. I miss Ms. Thompson's class and we don't really do much in this class, but whatever. Calculus is like.. the new "Compsci" and it hates me so much. So does the teacher. Whatever. APUS is great! It's one of the first history courses that I've actually liked. I'm enjoying it.. ah, learning the past of the ground we stand on. It's nice. Biology is.. starting to make sense to me now, and it helps that Mrs. Bradley is chill and really nice. Woooo! Haha. Aaaaand French is just.. a good class to talk in I guess. But in English, not in french cause we never speak Francais. Yeeeah. Regardless, junior year has been quite an eye-opener to me. Not only am I "older" and "wiser" than half the kids in high school, I'm now officially in the IB Program, and dealing with these "hard" problems. Problems that have an insane amount of difficulty, and I don't mean just math. ;] Haha. I mean life, stress, time, friendship, relationships, balance, activities, everything.
1/4/08:
Yes, the school point was probably the generic, boring, pretentious one and I agree. I didn't enjoy writing it which is why I was stumped on it for a few days. (or I think one day. more like two nights.. 4am nights.. rofl.) Anyways, let's move on to something happier!
THREE. Definitely have to put forensics in its own individual slot. Ah, forensics has been so good to me this year. Definite standouts of the year have to include final-ing at Myers Park (4th in OO), breaking to quarterfinals at Emory ohmygod (1 rank from semis, wah), and fence-posting both Riverside and JL Mann. And winning OO in JL Mann second year in a row, yahoo! :) HI has been good.. picking up Employees was a great choice, and TL hanna was its breakout moment. Thanks Judy&Steph :) States was fun.. got 3rd in both HI and OO. Districts was of course, FANTASTIC, and I qualified to NATIONALS!!! Best thing ever. Nationals was one surreal experience, I met a lot of people, learned a lot about oratory, and got to hang out with some of my great friends. It was a very great way to have a sweet sixteen. Unfortunately, didn't break in oratory, but learned from the ones that did. (and the one that won! WOO!)
Learning is a big deal in forensics. Not just learning, but teaching, applying, and just.. life. I mean, I've grown so much with forensics and forensics has grown, in my eyes, a lot with me. I feel like what I'm doing is contributing to what is shaping up as "South Carolina forensics" and I know that SC forensics has definitely changed me for the better. Going to overnight tournaments (now I can call them national, mwahaha!) have been an amazing opportunity and I am so glad I am able to meet all these people around the nation who have such AMAZING talents. They are truly gifted people.
So junior year forensics. Definitely a whirlwind compared to the previous years, as we went to more national tournaments this year. First one up was the National Earlybird.. which was one surreal experience. But before I talk about that, let's talk about the preparations. Which.. really didn't go so well because I couldn't get an OO topic and the epicness that should've been "Foster's Home" didn't really work out. But in the end, it did. That first day of school really just.. opened me up, and I cold really just write. Sort of like me right now. It's 2:22 AM on January 4, 2008, yeah, not the 3rd (bah) and all I can hear is the rain, pitter-patter-ing against the windows. It sounds amazing. I honestly just want to go outside and twirl around and sing some loud, obnoxious songs and hit bad notes and just run around screaming because that's what freedom is. Ah, I love the rain.
So back to forensics. Lol. God, I get so sidetracked. Anyways, the Wake Forest Earlybird was one FANTASTIC tournament. Okay, more like.. the tournament sort of failed, but because of the people and everything, it became a fantastic experience. Riding up there singing Hairspray at the top of our lungs - great. Having Mrs. Ulrich as a chaperone (again!) - awesome. Double breaking to semifinals - asd;fkljaslkjfadsf yay! And final-ing in oratory.. and ending up.. with the FIRST PLACE win?! Ohmygod, something I NEVER expected in a million years. I thought, maybe if I'm being optimistic, I'll get third. Then my name wasn't called.. and it wasn't called.. and it wasn't called and OHMYGOD DID I JUST WIN ORIGINAL ORATORY.. and the crowd screaming, and my team yelling and jumping up and down. SUCH an amazing, wonderful feeling. But most importantly, awkwardness inspired people.
That's what oratory is all about for me. I mean, yes, I still care about breaking, and placing and getting pretty trophies and beating my rivals (RAWR!), but oratory is all about teaching. It's being able to talk about any issue and just shaping it into something strong, and letting other people really know about it. Know more about it. Know a different side to it. Not know -- learn. And I'm glad that awkwardness is doing something, because as little and as humorous as a "thing" it seems, it is a small problem. And if everyone has a small problem, isn't it a big problem?
Hehe, sort of metaphorical to say the least. Ahh, the rain is just pouring even more now. I honestly think this is God's way of "crying," or letting go. Yeah, I don't want to get into religion stuff here, but rain isn't always God crying. Sometimes it's God's way of just letting things go. Letting things flow, letting them stream.. ah. Looking out the window right now, seeing the constant motion of something hitting against the pavement, but it looking so beautiful, so moving, so.. god. LOVE rain.
Since that wasn't forensics, let's jump back! This season in forensics (2008-2009), I've felt like a novice numerous times. At Wake Forest, for one, my first HI round was awful. It was a disaster, my judge gave me a 6 and like 73 speakers, heck, she probably thought I was a novice who couldn't pop for my life. I was trembling, I was sweaty, I was nervous as hell, and it showed. Bombed that round. Another tournament where I felt like a novice was Bob Jones. Yes, the epic tournament of South Carolina that I tremendously just bombed at. The morning was filled of welcomes and hello's from people I hadn't seen in a while, but the competition just really threw me over the edge. And not just me, I talked to a few of my good buds not from SHS and they had similar feelings too. It made me feel better I guess, that I wasn't the only one crashing down.
It was an awful tournament and I swear there were like dozens of times where I wanted to break down and cry, or run away and just quiet myself in a classroom, or call my dad to ask him to please pick me up, but I went through with it. DI was a horrible first time fail, and I really got a lot to learn in that event. HI failed because of not-good-memorization, which seemed to work last year, but I guess you can't always repeat patterns. And OO was just.. generic, I guess. I felt generic. Probably b/c I felt like crap, but hey, you can't pick and choose, right?! lol. In the end, I got 2nd in OO, and I guess I was mildly disappointed but at the same time, expected not to do very well at the tournament. Yay for my first 6 in years.. (first two 6's in both DI and HI, woo!) .. kay, not years, more like MONTHs. :p haha.
Then we have Blue Key, the epic tournament in FLORIDA! And yes, I'm sorry that this is uber long and I'm not being philosophical yet, but I promise it will get there. And yeah, this is really really long so if you're still reading, I give you a pat on the back, and a chocolate cake. And if you can't have chocolate, just picture something good, sweet, and delicate. Alrighty. So now that I've got your attention (:P), Blue Key! It was a really hard tournament with fresh faces, and new pieces, and lots of alone-time because I was doubled in one flight and everyone else was busy. I got to talk to my coach a lot more though, and that was a really nice time. Waiting for quarterfinal breaks was horrible though. Anand and I just stood there, waiting and waiting, and we were just freaking out the entire time. Luckily it worked out for us. I ended up double breaking to quarterfinals, and after having two very nervous quarterfinal rounds, I advanced to semis the next morning! I also had an interaction with a subway guy named Van who was just awesome. I broke to semifinals, and had a really bad performance-order spot, and I think that ended up screwing me over in HI semifinals. I was in a tough OO round, but I advanced to finals, luckily! HI was not so good because I was late to the round and two of the judges seemed ticked at me. I went 6 6 1 (which is just ironically horrible), and the guy who advanced over me had one less rank. UGHHH. But moving on from the past (lesson learned: don't watch your semifinal round because you don't want to risk another round for it), finals was great. I had an awesome round (even though it was horrible getting there because there was so much security for the BIDENNNN!!!) and I ended up getting 3rd. It was great. And I saw Joe Biden speak and some really annoying protesters, but it was all in good fun.
Eeee, each tournament is taking up a paragraph. Lucky for you there's only one left! LOL. Mauldin's tournament was a very weeeird experience. I was in congress, I was alone like the entire time and barely got to see my team, or anyone outside of the Congress chambers. It was awful, but it was fun competing and I shockingly got 2nd place! HUGE accomplishment for me since it was only my 3rd time Congress-ing things up. It was great, and definitely a booster for the.. YIG campaign..
FOUR. Youth in Government. Yes, YIG has been a huge part of my life this year. From the April conference of MUN which was absolutely amazing to the December conference which was one experience I will never forget, YIG was just all up inside me this year. Horizons in May was different but still good, and Pawley's was the most awkward thing ever, but still fun. And then December. I have to say, the campaign parties that I launched really made me feel good because there were just so many people helping me out, and were willing to make things repeatedly. Those people are amazing. And I would not have gone anywhere without them. So if you're reading, YOU'RE AMAZING. But yeah. the election -- not so good. After being on the verge of tears, crying, being on the verge of tears again and bombing the first two-three days of the campaign, I really was just wiped out, tired, and all cried out. Buuuut I worked the last speech, did my best to really TALK to others - not just politick, and I ended up losing (wahh) by 8 votes. It was a significant election, a significant loss, and I'm.. okay with it. To be honest, I wonder how the entire YIG experience would've gone if I just.. didn't run. Or ran for Lt. Governor, or something else. A lot of nights, I think about what went wrong. What I did wrong, or what I didn't do right, or why I didn't do certain things, or why I was such an idiot for falling into a trap and runnign for Governor. But can't fight the moonlight. Man, I keep saying weird phrases like that. And this is slightly turning into a less summary-of-my-life post. Good.
FIVE. I don't think I'm going to tag anyone in this note because I keep typign and I keep thinking "maybe i shouldn't type this in because someone will read this and get offended, or tell others and that will just ruin my reputation." But then again, no one is gonna read this far in right? Not anyone who would want to read the spillings of a somewhat not so great amazing horrible year of a rambunctious (:P) emotions-running-on-a-string Asian teenager, right? Hm. Yeah. I've overcome some stereotypes this year. Weird ones, but yes. And my parents (well, my dad) has shown his true Asian colors! By getting on to me about my SAT scores. And I hate the SAT. Not just because I did poorly on it (and the PSAT was worse, that's a piece of trash! rawr!) but just because it's such a big deal and yet, it's really not. But so many people stress over it (including moi) but we really shouldn't. We should just study, and if we do bad, retake it. And that's the end of it. But unfortunately our Asian-ness (yes, we're all a little Asian inside) takes the best of us at that moment. And the stereotypes begin..
SIX. Kay, now we're going to start getting into the more philosophical/what did I learn thing. After I finish off my trends. So the main trends I found in my blog posts were.. "really happy days" that I blogged about, "really bad days" that I ranted my entire life in, "horrible days" where I was trying to search for a best friend, and "great metaphors that just ended up cheering me up because i was feeling down" posts. I guess it sort of defines me. I enjoy speaking out -- and about, and I know sometimes I just talk too much or say things that go a bit over the edge, but that's me. I do think before I speak, but I just say whatever goes with the flow - and sometimes, the edge overrides the flow I guess. Kay, this entire thing isn't making much sense, and I'm really not being a good philosopher / metaphor person / good writer / somethinglikethat right now, so yes. I admit this is filler. Sort of. Except if you got something from it, then kudos to you. That's what I've been trying to say! I just can't say it outloud.
SEVEN. Looking up. I have this thing where I look up to a lot of people, but if I really look up to you, then you become like this idol to me. Which isn't bad, it's always good to be someone who is very respected, especially when you get the respect of Gary Fan. [/egocentric] But yes, this year was like.. year of the "idols." I "met" KevJumba -- kay, I didn't meet him, I ran into one of his videos and became one of his biggest Fans (hahahaha GET IT?!) and he instantly became one of my idols. Not one that I've met unfortunately. Then.. Mark Kanemura. (Mark Kenneth Ioane Kanemura, to be exact) from SYTYCD4. Fantastic guy, and I actually ended up talking to him on Facebook. I still remember that day -- my heart would not stop pounding and I was just spazzing out of control. And he was just like :) thanks. And in a way, I don't really.. care much about him anymore. It seems like his 15 minutes of fame are over, and I guess my "infatuation" died off with it too. But he's still cool in my books. Maybe it's because I talked to him that my OMG-ness diminished? We'll never know. And finally.. another idol, who shall not be named. He's an awesome guy that I would really want to be close to, but I don't think it'll ever happen simply because he doesn't pick up hints, and he just doesn't seem to get it all. But he's still young and that could always be why -- since he's not old and synonously, wise. I don't think I used that right. In the end, the guy is a small-town hero to me that I really look up to. And he may never ever know that even though he really does know me. And I know most of my friends hate it when I talk about this "certain idol," but it's not because I want to annoy them, or because I know it makes them tick, it's because I honestly really do care if he cares. And that's why I ask. And say the stupid things, and talk about it like a crush, because I'd be crushed if I found out he didn't care. And just because I actually KNOW one of my "idols," it's hard not to wonder what he thinks of a "fan." The guy's hard to read.. must be one of those mystery novels. ;] But to be completely frank and honest, when I say I love the guy, I do. He really is an awesome guy. And if you didn't know much about this scenario, please don't think I'm a creeper because I'm not. It's a long story that I couldn't cram into one post. Kay, I could, but this post is already long enough. Oh, and I'm not done yet. DBSK is officially awesome and Yunho is definitely someone to look up to. God. If they ever look for a sixth member, I will be that guy. =D
EIGHT. Alright, I honestly have no idea where I'm going with this list thing anymore. I just like writing numbers in big capital font when the font is georgia. Odd. Yes. Kay, well, I've learned this year that sarcasm is a horrible weapon. That cynicism is absolutely horrible, and that certain people who try to figure out a way to outwit you just because they want to outwit you -- that's just plain cruel. And I overthink a lot, but I don't overthink cynic thoughts. I just overthink.. life. And life to me, is not cynical. So I don't treat it that way, and I really can't stand the cynics in life. I saw an oratory at Blue Key which was absolutely amazing and it was on how our society was becoming cynical about everything. And it was so true. And instantly, I knew that I didn't want to be part of this mish-mash. I know I'm satirical sometimes (hehe oratory from freshman year, yahoo!) but sarcasm is mean. I don't know why I defended it freshman year but now that I look at it, the sarcastic and the cynic people are the ones that really just can't confront things. Even though they appear to be all intelligent and witty and "lalala i'm so much better than you because i just pwnt you with something great" -- just put a can in it. Seriously.
NINE. That was a little shoutout. Lol. ACADEMICS. Can't forget that. I am going to say this outloud -- Facebook was created by the Devil. Or something. Some evil little creature who wants all of us to procrastinate on everything and end up doing badly on reading checks, quizzes, tests, projects, papers, and also not get enough sleep leading to bags under our eyes and diminished growth. And yes, I know it's my fault for being addicted TO it, but still. Facebook and AIM = bad. And I've really gotta learn that and I know I say that I'll do this new thing and I won't check the computer but I always end up doing so. I guess I'm just a liar. But everyone lies, and at the same time, lying too much ends up killing you. In fact, I think procrastination is just.. a bunch of lies threaded together. And once you've procrastinated enough lies, and enough truth, the lies will just engulf you. Until you've become a slacker that's stuck in a hole and can't get out. Ah. Well, I gotta dig myself out of this hole. Yep, diggin dem.. diggin dem holllllles!
TEN. Growing. Growing, growing, lengthening, heightening, upping, whatever you call it, whatever I call it, I WANT TO GROW. And it's probably one of my biggest desires -- to grow taller, and to reach six foot. Why? Can't say right now, but if I ever get to the 6'0 mark, you will all know. Right now I think I'm 5'8.5 (which is really weird to write cause that's just weird), so that's like 3 1/2 inches to go? And I'm 16 1/2, so there's probably not that much of a chance left, but I will try. though, typing this at 2:55am probably isn't helping. Drat. Speaking of growing, Olyvia has grown up. a Ton. she is so much older and cuter and ahh. Just can't believe what happens in a year. I LOVE her and I am so glad she's here.. ah. She's amazing.
.......... So I did ten, and I feel like that's enough. That, and I want to finish this post once and for all because it's the reason why I've been sleeping late and procrastinating on all my work. (And of course, it really isn't, but in a way it is..)
Kay, I just thought of a new one as I made resolutions:
ELEVEN. Do the new things. Every new thing that comes up, TRY it. Fit it in your schedule if you can. It really really helps you. and improves you. Cross-country was one of the biggest examples of that. I got some self-confidence, some leg muscle, and some self-esteem. I got the support of my friends and a sport under my belt. And it was amazing juts running through the finish line.. every..single..time. I don't want that to ever go away. And I would like more. So new things -- EMBRACE 'em. Take every opportunity and snatch it. Don't let it get away from you.
TWELVE. Opportunities to get exposure. Take 'em. I know so many times where I wanted to sing aloud, but I didn't cause I was afraid of being embarassed. Or doing something wrong and looking stupid. Or just.. I was afraid. Get over the fear. It's not a fear I should have. SM-Entertainment. I should've taken that opportunity by the belt. Now I'm afraid I may be too late. I hope not. I'd love to go to Korea and train. And learn and train and really figure out myself as a person. When someone asks you to sing, SING. When someone asks you to do a piece, DO it.. don't overthink it too much. They obviously wanted to see you because they wanted to help you. Make those videos. STOP procrastinating. You don't have much time left. And you might as well. The future depends on it....
Finished with twelve instead of an original 10. I like 12 more anyway. Not only is it the number of the Zodiac animals and the Zodiac constellations, it's just.. it seems wholler. I like the number 12.
So here we go. 2008 was.. interesting. If I had to pick an adjective to describe it, I would say.. unexpected. Because everything that happened was very unexpected. I got dealt some odd cards that I'm trying to strategize for the rest of the year because so many times I think it's a fluke, but it's not. It's just probably bad luck.
And so, I've got a ton of resolutions this year. And one of them includes to stop procrastinating but since I'm publishing this note on 1/4/2008 instead of 1/1 or 1/2, I guess I haven't been latched on to them yet. But I will.
Lots of loss. That's a great phrase for the year 2008. I lost a lot this year. I lost my YIG election which was a really big thing, I lost forensics competitions, I lost some friendships via disconnection but.. I lost.. a lot of me. A lot of people told me at the end of the year that I have changed a lot "this year" this year being junior year. I .. wondered. And I unfortunately agree. I have turned darker, the grin on my face sometimes is just a farce, and genuine smiles.. feel.. plastic. My social levels have become awkward. Or maybe because I want them to be? Or I just overthink all of these things and I just can't have my mind get it all straight. But don't see this as a "OMG GARY'S EMO" thing because obviously, if I just used the phrase "OMG GARY'S EMO" I'm definitely not going stone-cold on everyone, but I have changed. In a way, I see it as maturity, but is maturity really starting to isolate yourself from the world? Part of me thinks that is what maturity is. When you really become independent, and you can solely just survive on the essence of you. And as narcissistic as that sounds, I still believe there's some truth to that statement. Another thing -- I say too much. Sometimes, I think I end up saying things that creep people out. Like the whole "everything happens for a reason" thing. I think I take things a bit to the extreme, but only because I think extreme is good. And sometimes, isn't it good to wake someone up by giving them an "extreme" slap in the face? And by that, I mean like.. not literally. As in.. the opposite of literally, so technologically? :P Just kidding. But yeah. I've also gotta stop.. trying to keep conversations going when I know they should end. This happens a lot at sleepovers or overnight trips because I really just want the night to live on because I love just, spending time with other people. Because sometimes talking to myself just isn't that entertaining when I don't give differing responses! Lol, I'm not crazy, I promise. But I think that's just something I should start tying up. Probably an immature thing to do.
But back to the changing thing -- I've changed. For the better or for the worse, but I've changed. You can decide on the "or" statement. I think I've gone a bit more serious, maybe darker, but just.. serious. And sometimes I guess serious is a bad thing, or just I get serious at the wrong moments. But I hope everyone can understand. This freaking year I send in college applications and stuff, and I honestly have no idea what direction to go.
Which brings me to something else I want to talk about. Careers [and the future, I guess]. I honestly have no idea where to go. My heart says music, but my mind says that I'm not good enough for music. And sometimes I feel afraid not to sing publicly because I feel that if I miss a note, that will be a true public buulletin that says: Hey Gary, you're not as good as you think. Or as good as everyone thinks. Or as good as you need to be to make it out in that world you dream of all the time. And I just don't know if I'm ready for that. Sure, I can take criticism, but once I realize that my voice or my piano skills or some part of me just isn't good enough for the bsiness, I honsetly think I will crash down. Because it's been my dream. Since.. ever. I honestly don't want to add the 'for' in front of it. 4's an unlucky number sometimes...
I don't want to end this really .. not happy, so let's make it happy.
Success. I have luckily met with lots of success this year and I plan on keeping this year like that, except more. And if there is ever a chance for a failure or a mistake, LEARN from it. That is the only way it becomes more than that. I think this year, I had a huge mindset on making sure I win win win and own own own and get everything that I dreamed of. Still, I wouldn't mind that, but I think I was so caught up with getting 1st place that I didn't learn much frmo it until I failed. And I did fail a lot over the year, and I've learned from it. So this year, failure is acceptable, but success is achievable. And learn from it -- whichever outcome it is.
As [Author] Samuel Smiles once said: We learn wisdom from failure much more than from success. We often discover what will do, by finding out what will not do; and probably he who never made a mistake never made a discovery.
:)
Anddd without further ado, here are my resolutions for the 09 year:
But first, I always have a motto for each year. Last year it was a combination of "Taking the year by storm" and "Hell yeah." It didn't really take off. Last year was a storm. It was filled of some bad, stormy moments accompanied by further conflicts of lightning and thunder, and then.. sometimes the rain poured down and I just had to cry to let it out -- and sometimes that crying helped, and opened other people's eyes. And finally, the rain stopped. The storm stopped. A rainbow appeared once in a while, and I think the year ended with one because I felt so calm and relaxed over break. It was just nice being able to get out of that hellhole known as junior year. Not only that, but winter break was just perfect for me. It was necessary for me to become me again. And my "street lights" post popped up and I think it's one of my best writings in a while. And I'm so glad you guys all were inspired by it. It means a lot.
This year.. I'm thinking.. just.. "Grow up." Simple. Two words. That mean so much to me. Grow up physically. Get that six foot mark. Grow up mentally, and raise your grades and actually.. be known as an "intelligent guy" at Southside because you know you're already overshadowed by all the big fish in the pond. Grow up emotionally, and use that emotion to write. To influence. To inspire. To change. Grow up and figure out who you are going to grow up as in the future, because the roots of your life really start to take shape this year. We all want to blossom the right color, with the perfect petals and nature to be fond of us.
p.s. "Playtime is over" is another good one. But it's sort of like, mean, agressive, and not very me. Cause I like playing! LOLz!
It is time to grow up. The storm is finally over now.. [Elliott Yamin lyrics / coincidentally the theme song for my "crush"]
In response to the street lights.. I will know my destination soon. And I will find a way to get there. Because I will have grown up.
So.. growing up. And here are the nutrients to help catalyze the growth:
Classified by the speed of growth, and the vitamins included. ;]
[Oh yeah, plant vehicleeee!] *commentary included, it seems.
i. Academics
[ ] Get your work done before 2am please? Work first, play as much as you want after.
[ ] Make 5's on the AP's. Like, for serious. You've screwed around in the past, playtime is over.
[ ] Do VERY well second semester and on the midterms. This means studying tomorrow. You know that other goal.
[ ] Do decently on the IB Psych and IB French. Please. You didn't sacrifice your growth, your face, and your sleep cycle for nothing.
[ ] Do well on the SAT, SAT II and ACT. Or you're screwed for the rest of your life.
[ ] Get your senior year schedule awesome. And with AP Music Theory.
[ ] Get into a good college(s).
ii. Aw, gemini. I mean Forensics.
[ ] Final at Myers. doubling is a plus.
[ ] American Legion? Maybe?
[ ] Semifinal at Emory. Take it all one step at a time. Learn a lot.
[ ] Do well at the locals.
[ ] Double final at States again. Higher than 3rd? There's a shot.
[ ] Try to triple place at Districts. Not a big deal compared to ...
[ ] Qualify to Nationals. PLEASE.
[ ] Become IE Captain. One of your goals since freshman year..
[ ] Pending a national qualification, do WELL at Nationals. Top 60 at least.
[ ] Top off Wake and Blue Key well.
[ ] Triple place at Bob Jones. Last chance.
[ ] Go to George Mason and become the next Nick Fox. Or Dominic.
iii. Piano
[ ] Superior x2.
[ ] Furman qualification.
[ ] WIN STATES. YOU CAN DO IT.
[ ] Do a competition, and do well.
[ ] Develop better aural skills.
[ ] Write a song.
[ ] Sing and piano some more. Come on Wang Lee Hom.
[ ] Learn to play this. Freaking made me cry. And I don't know why.
iv. Other Achievements
[ ] Senior Class President. Or whatever new position you want.
[ ] Some Youth in Government position. Help out.
[ ] Go to a summer camp. Try to go to Korea?
[ ] Join drama again.
[ ] Lead National Honors Society.
[ ] Lead Tiger Ambassadors.
[ ] Lead Red Cross.
[ ] Complete the NaNoWriMo!
[ ] Join the tennis team and don't suck too badly.
[ ] Do well in cross-country this year. Like, faster times.
[ ] Push-ups everyday. Try.
[ ] Get all that IB stuff done...
v. Life
[ ] Figure out what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life. Music? Medicine? Business? Psychology? Law? Journalism? .. the sky is the limit...
[ ] Write. a lot. It would be great if you could do it everyday. But I know you can't, so I've provided a blog for you just to jot some thoughts down.
[ ] Advance on your Chinese studies. You need to.
[ ] Learn the guitar. You have one, WHY not?!
[ ] Try to pick up the violin again. You're always so jealous of everyone's playing. You can do it too.. if you try.
[ ] Dance. Dance the freaking night away and show it off. You've impressed your mirror. Don't be intimidated...
[ ] Try some talent contest. Prove yourself.
[ ] Keep your friends close to you, repair some disconnections.
[ ] Finish an anime. Haha.
[ ] Finish a manga.
[ ] Meet a new idol.
[ ] Get the previous idol to understand.
[ ] Develop an awesome clothing style.
[ ] Spend more time with Olyvia!
[ ] Live every day as it is your last.
[ ] Then, remember every day as it is your last.
[ ] Clean your room more often.
[ ] Monthly goals: keep those up.
[ ] Read a whole lot more. Expand your literary horizons.
[ ] Date a girl. Maybe. ;]
[ ] Meet Wang Lee Hom. (2008)
[ ] Gain 20-30 lbs. (2008)
[ ] Grow to 6'0''. You can do it.
[ ] Sleep more. Change your circadian rhythm. (before 2am!)
[ ] Don't procrastinate. [as often] :p
[ ] Become knowledgeable in one area. Answer the questions.
[ ] Give everyone a second chance.
[ ] Pray more. Become spiritually closer with God and Jesus and Buddha.
[ ] Don't put your emotional burdens all on one person. Only if they truly want to know it all. Don't let it all out without warning.
[ ] Try your best to look good everyday.
[ ] Re-do your room. Make it.. snazzy!
[ ] Make those videos, and get a ton of subscribers.
[ ] When someone asks you to sing, SING. Bu yao hai pa.
[ ] Try not to snap at the parents as often, and listen in on what they're saying. They still know what's best for you.
[ ] Grow up. Listen to yourself. Only you and your heart knows what is best for you.
I think that's a ton of stuff to do for the year. Let's see how much I can achieve.. by growing up.
January 1, 2008.
December 24, 2008.Hm, looks like I've already grown up a bit? :)
It's time to grow up.
- Gary Fan
1/4/2009, 4:04 am
* It says it posted the first day of the year because well.. I'm gonna blog later today. So. heh.
1 comments:
haha love the pictures =]
my new blog address: http://eileentheooer.blogspot.com/
hehe
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