the start of this commitment. a commitment that ties me to the path of raccoon eyes, lack of sleep, tons of acne, a sore head, but ending with a good reward.

well, we started school today. as everyone has stated in their blogs/facebook statuses/life.
but it wasn't the best time, really. i think i may have looked like i was having an "oh so wonderful" time, but i really wasn't. it was probably one of the more awkward times of this year.

for some reason, i've gotten this "awkward bug" that i can't seem to get rid of. you know this bug. you're trying to talk to someone cause everyone else is socializing and the person you're talking to isn't responding. so you feel stupid. and worthless. and lonely. so you ACT like you're talking to someone.. or looking for someone.. just to make yourself look like you have a life. and friends. and you're not just some pathetic loser looking for attention.

that bug really took me out today. at like 8:10 am. maybe even earlier. i didn't really wanna check the time. i mean.. who wants to measure how long you were miserable? well, it does prove a point. people are miserable. and awkward, and lonely ALL the time. i was even considering this to be an oratory topic. but to do so, would i have to tell my entire audience that i'm a pathetic little awkward guy? even though my facade of gregarious and social is.. fantastic?

well, it's not exactly a facade. and people who know me know this. i mean, everyone has their down days. and their up days. today just seemed to be one of those.. emotional rollercoaster days.

but hey, the awkward bug can bite. and bite. and give me freakin' malaria but i'm not gonna give in or die. you just.. find someone else to talk to. maybe that "awkward-radar" can help you out -- you know.. find some kid who's all alone at a table and talk to him. instead of.. ignoring him. like you should have. just because you're an upperupperclassman now doesn't mean you don't have morals. or you need to hate on the freshmen. you can be perfectly nice.. a genuine person.

after all, isn't that what we go to high school for? to become accepted by a crew, a group that sees you for who you really are? and then when you.. let these superiority CRAP THINGS [bad grammar, but whatever] take over.. it changes you. and not in a good way.

and to think, this is what i think of just for being awkward? and everyone's been awkward. it's just that feeling of.. secludedness. isolation. non-acceptance. maybe it's something you're not used to. maybe it's something that you are SO afraid of that.. you try to run from it, but.. you can't hide -- and it "seeks you."

you can't do much from it. sometimes the bug just comes. but.. you can overcome a little bug bite right? i mean, it's not the end of the world! it's just.. a really crappy feeling. but at the same time, someone is probably feeling the same thing. maybe not just someone. but two someone's. [or would that be sometwo?] and hey, maybe your little psychic hotline of awkwardness will click. and by clicking, a friendship is made. just from a simple "hey, how is it going?" or a "so i bet paddenburg's class is tough, hm? lemme give you some advice.." or maybe just a phone call. that somebody needed to really just see how .. big and important this day really was. or maybe you should just stop typing, because it sucks to see your friendship. and your personality. and your UNDIVIDED ATTENTION .. to be taken for granted. probably even worse than a bug bite.

much worse.

well, i'm off to do my homework since mr. wong is cracking down! well, don't let the bed bugs bite. and the awkward ones too. but in case they do.. i'm sure i'll be feeling awkward sometime. so just chat me up, and i will do my very best to understand.

and hey, if you're lonely.. don't be afraid to speak up. i'll keep my ears open.

- gary.

song of inspiration: "hallelujah" by kate voegele.
and every breath we drew was hallelujah..