thoughts on the week of april 6-13.

so i haven't blogged for a while, and i'm really sad that i haven't -- mainly because the past week has been really stressful. i really hate it when i don't get my sleep, because i feel like an inferior, weaker version of myself. i'm sure a lot of people feel that way too.

so why am i up at 3:24 am right now rather than fixing my sleep cycle and getting some well-deserved (i'd say) rest? because.. i don't know. i've realized that i've been living too much in the moment, and not think about the future as much as i'd like (although according to my parents, that's all i think about...) which is interesting.

each day you learn a new thing about yourself. it seems like an outlandish statement, but it really is true. one day you might realize that there's a stain on your pants from the grape juice you spilled last week. and you don't like that. that one, small, grape-colored blob on the right section of your jeans. another day, it might be huge -- that one friend isn't as important as you thought they were. and one day, even bigger -- you want to become a musician. or a doctor. or you want to dedicate your life to charity, and helping the others.

so what is it that i've learned? i've learned a lot this week. i've learned that if i get rid of this lazy feeling i get often, then.. things will work. pieces will get fixed, and success will be created. i've learned that cooperative teamwork can go far. i've learned that the people you've met in your past really do impact you now in the present. i've learned that God is there for you. and everyone else up there. i've learned that when i'm down and troubled, in the end, after all the tantrums and the tears -- i am the only one i can blame.

this past thursday, at around 2am, i finalized my decision for the next two years of high school. as torn as i was, i had to check one of the boxes (stay or decline).. and i went with the latter. the response i received from friends and fellow teachers, students was.. great. and it made me feel like they really cared. now, at the moment, i was thinking that -- if a person jumped up in joy or was excited, they.. actually wanted me at shs. and the others that were like :) just .. were pretty indifferent. but now that i think about it, both responses seem appropriate. the former one is probably one to help relate with my excitement, or to confirm that staying is the right choice. yet the latter one is good too. i don't wanna get overconfident in my decision right? and after my decision, a crappy day or week comes and then i already regret my decision? which i know i probably will, just because it's human nature and such. but it's too late, i've locked myself in the school, and i won't get out until i get my high school diploma. :) i think that's a nice analogy.

the previous post was supposed to be a really happy and uplifting one, but.. with each day, the feelings do unfortunately, (butsometimesfortunately) disappear. and i no longer really have the thoughts all organized on what i wanted to say, which is sad b/c when i look back at this when i'm a junior or senior, or something -- i will wish to know what i wanted to say. but i guess i really do know what i'm going to say. it'll just randomly flutter around and one day decide to show its face to me when i'm thinking. too bad there's too many thoughts up thurr. hahaa.

april is a really busy monthhh. :)

drama was awesome. i really love being in a play. yeah.
i hate trying to become friends with someone because i think they're interesting, but.. they don't think the same of me. it is kind of a disappointing feeling, but then again -- expect the worst, hope for the best?
i've tried the whole "be mean to someone" just because they're being mean to you, but that's usually a huge misunderstanding. and if not, then just end the awkwardness and silence all together. either way, i hope not to do that often.
parties have been fun. not the best, but good enough for this crappy year. which i cannot wait to end. ahh.. less than two months. after being with some people a lot, you really get to see what kind of people they are. i think i've made some closer friends just by talkign to them more friday and saturday. sometimes you have to pick and choose who gets your time, and who doesn't. sometimes it isn't worth it to use all your time on someone who won't even give you a minute. (or in this case, a sentence.) but.. in the end, you've still got the time. you just have to find someone else to enjoy it with. :)

i've also tried to mend relationships with the people who currently "hate" me at southside. it feels .. good when they talk to you without grunt or force. or without an insult. it's kinda nice actually. of course, there will always be an enemy, because that's the way it works. there isn't light without darkness, but there isn't darkness without light.

and after a week or how many extra days it's been, i think this is a bunch of my thoughts compiled. speaking of compiling, compsci test + 3 others monday. another blog-less week? probably.

oh, but model UN is wed.-fri. and it's going to be awesome. also, a talent show. great stuff. hope it's all good. well, it's 3:42 and err.. my sleep cycle has been officially screwed. with a capital s.

=D

love the comments and the readers..

peace. (on earth, and in your lives)

- Gary